Yes, the Astros have found a way to bottle that wonderful fragrance known as Rocket Fuel once again, as Roger Clemens has signed with Houston once more.  So why didn't he just re-sign with them in the off-season?  What a huge waste of time this whole thing was.  I guess Roger isn't really interested in winning World Championships anymore.

What was the deal with all the multi-homer games last night?  And some of the sluggers were not exactly future hall-of famers.  Actually, as I look down at my list here, I don't think any of them will be, but a couple of them are pretty good.

Jose Castillo hit 2 home runs for Pittsburgh.  I really enjoy this young second basemen, but I was really surprised to see him hit 2 jacks.  But the Milwaukee Brewers deserve a special award for finding out a way to give up 12 runs to an 18-34 Pirate squad. 

Lance Niekro hit 2 homers for the Giants, and no emery boards were harmed in the typing of this recap.

Corey Patterson hit 2 for the Baltimore Orioles last evening, and it's really good to see this guy playing well again.  He's having a stellar season so far after a slow start, which is just another thorn in the side of those hapless Chicago Cubs, who basically gave up on this guy a year ago.

This is more like it.  Troy Glaus hit 2 last night.  No surprise there.  But Vernon Wells.....Vernon Wells hit 3!!!  That's right.  One exclamation point per big fly.  Nice job V-dub.  (I don't know if they call him that, and I don't feel that comfortable calling him that either, but hey....I'm an intentionally walking contradiction.)

Todd Jones deserves another of my special awards for allowing 5 earned runs in 1.2 innings pitched.  Way to shut 'em down, T.J.  Remember that Fernando Rodney guy?  He has a 1.17 ERA right now.  Any chance we could get him back in the closer's role please?  At least let him platoon, for Todd's sake.

Aubrey Huff was 3 for 4 with a dinger yesterday.  Well well well.  Nice to see you again, Mr. Huff.  Is this the return of the lil' Devil Ray we've been waiting for?  Keep it up for another steady week or two and we can start discussing fantasy negotiations.

Ty Wigginton is a hard guy to figure out.  He always seems like he's slumping but he'll throw in a home run every few days to keep himself on the fantasy radar.  If you pick him up he'll eventually give you something, but your team's batting average will almost certainly suffer.

I read an article on Yahoo! about Oscar Villarreal being lucky to have 7 wins, but his ERA is right around 4, and that is inflated a bit because of a couple of bad outings.  The luckiest guy I've seen this year is Toronto's Gustavo Chacin.  He is 6-1 with a 5.11 ERA.  And how does he win this game yesterday?:  5 innings pitched, 4 hits, 2 earned runs, 4 walks and 1 strikeout.  Not exactly shutting them down, but he pulls off another victory.  Insanity, I tell ya.

Josh Beckett is even more of an enigma than Wigginton.  And an infinitely more talented one.  He appears to be so close to becoming an elite pitcher, then he goes out and stinks it up again.  7 ER in 4.2 IP does not cut it.

Andre Ethier has done it again?  I still have no idea who this guy is.  All I know is he is from here in Arizona and attended Arizona St.  And he just hit another home run yesterday.  Pinch me.  And him.

Say aloha to fellow islander Tyler Yates.  In yesterday's appearance for the Atlanta Braves, he gave up 4 hits and 3 earned runs along with 2 walks in 1.1 innings pitched. 

I know that Eric Gagne is back now, but why was Dannys Baez taken out of the closer's role before his return?  Were they trying to get as many pitchers as possible familiar with the pressure's of ninth inning pitching.  Pretty smart move if that's what they were doing.  Saito did do a heck of a job in his few stints, but Baez was doing just fine up to that point.  All I know for sure is if those 2 keep it up and Gagne returns to form, any foe of the Dodgers is going to have a hard time winning any game against them in which they trail after the 6th inning.

Huston Street is falling down....  He blew another save yesterday.  It's not looking pretty in Oakland.  By the way, Huston.  Those were the Kansas City Royals you were playing against yesterday.  Yep.  Ouch, indeed.

Hope you get a chance to watch tonight's Diamondbacks-Mets game, because I almost certainly will not get to see most of it.  Pedro Martinez vs. Brandon Webb.  Wow.  What a matchup.  They could be the top 2 vote-getters for the Cy Young award.  Should be an interesting game.  We'll see if Webb can keep it going against an all-time great.

I don't call intentionally walking Albert Pujols with Eckstein on second base and first base open, and then giving up an RBI single to Scott Rolen a "strategy backfiring" as ESPN's play by play man just did.  I call it "postponing the inevitable".  If you pitch to Pujols, he's most likely going to drive in Eckstein anyway, so you might as well walk King Albert.

And speaking of Pujols, I feel really bad for Ryan Howard, Prince Fielder, Carlos Delgado and Lance Berkman, who are all having great years as first basemen that will be massively overshadowed by A.P.  And I feel doubly bad for Howard and Fielder who are just starting their careers and will have to put up with this for years to come if all 3 players stay on their current teams.  Nice going, Albert.  Can you cut these youngsters a little slack please?  Yeah....I didn't think so.

Is Melky Cabera the next great Yankee?

And finally, what's gotten into Eric Byrnes?  He had a streak like this a couple years ago with the A's, but he never seems to keep it going for a whole season.  I'm hoping he can maintain it this time.  The D-Backs are going to need it down the stretch against the previously mentioned Dodgers and their potentially 3-headed monster in the bullpen.

As everyone should know, there is no major sports franchise in my home state of Hawai'i, so I grew up idolizing the stars of our college teams instead.  I watched nearly every football and basketball game and even attended a few, but I have never been closer to any team since the day I was born than the University of Hawai'i baseball team, so it makes me proud to announce that they will be playing in their first NCAA regional game in 13 years this Friday in Corvallis, Oregon.

I know this site is all about the bigs, but growing up on Oahu, the "Bows" were our big leaguers.  And a few of them even did make it to the majors. 

I've gone to more Rainbow baseball games in person than to any other team in any sport.  I spent many a day outside the opposing teams dugout watching the first few innings for free until they unlocked the exits, getting into some very enlightening conversations with the likes of UCLA's Tim DeCinces (son of former Angel Doug) and a heated exchange with former Clemson Tiger and Seattle Mariner, Shane Monahan.  I chased after thousands of foul balls and homers and ate many a plate lunch.  (The Hawaiian equivalent of a Dodger Dog)  I witnessed a couple of no-hitters, countless ejections and a healthy handfull of future big leaguers.  So you can see why I'm so excited by this most recent development.

We owe a lot to Mike Trapasso.  After hall of fame coach Les Murakami, who our home stadium is now named after, retired a few years ago, the team went through some very rough years.  Then one fine day Trapasso, who I believe was in line for the coaching job at then powerhouse Georgia Tech (they may still be a powerhouse now, but oddly enough other than Hawaii, I never paid much attention to the rest of college hardball, but I digress) decided for some reason instead to rebuild the suddenly lowly Hawai'i program.  He traveled a long way for not a whole lot of money and slowly has helped resurrect a program that really deserved to return to its glory days.

Now we've cracked the top 25 and are getting the ultimate shot that might turn around our program for good.  We've already made great strides.  Now watch out for our football team.  They're going to be good this year.  Remember the name of our QB.  Colt Brennan.  Special kid.

One of the most frustrating things about growing up in the islands is that our teams play so late in the day that they get little broadcast time or fanfare.  Every time I try to tell someone about the prospects of one of our teams, I get skeptical responses.  I'm a very realistic person.  I won't tell you my team has a chance to be good if I don't believe they do.  I do a lot of research.  I can't make guarantees, but if I feel like they have a chance to make waves, I will tell you.

I just never understood why someone would question something I was telling them based almost solely on their own ignorance.  I honestly haven't met anybody other than people in Hawai'i or former residents who know anything about our teams or players, but they are very quick to judge, which always drives me nuts.

That makes this even more special.  Even though college baseball isn't very popular, they can't take away the fact that our little team in the middle of the Pacific is now on a grand stage, and who knows?  With a little bit of luck, they may be on the grandest one in no time.  CWS, here we come!  (maybe)

Of course, there are a few links from the big leagues to the Hawaiian Islands.  Sid Fernandez, anyone?

Here are a few more you may or may not have known about:

Mets fans will never forget Sid and a lot of them haven't forgotten Benny Agbayani yet either, after he helped propel them to the World Series a few years back, before losing to the Yankees.

There's something about Ron Darling, who appeared in the Farrely Brothers movie "Shallow Hal", and who was born in the islands.

Former long-time hurler Charlie Hough was born there as was Joey Meyer, who slugged a few homers for the Brewers before fading into oblivion.  Meyer played along side Glenn Braggs for a couple years who played for the University of Hawaii before playing for Milwaukee and Cincinnati in the majors.

Former Oriole Lenn Sakata started it all on Oahu as did current stellar slugger for the Reds triple A team, Dane Sardinha, who has had a few cups of coffee with the big league club and may get some more if he keeps his minor league success going.

Maui's Shane Victorino filled in admirably for Aaron "Bam Bam" Rowand while he was out and the Phillies are having a hard time keeping him out of the lineup even since Rowand's return.  A pitcher from Maui, Tyler Yates, is still bouncing around in the majors as we speak.

Brandon Villafuerte first played ball on the Big Island before entering the Big Leagues.  He held down the closing job in San Diego for a short time a few years ago while Trevor Hoffman was recuperating.

Current hurlers Jerome Williams, Scott Feldman and Justin Wayne are from Oahu, and these former pitchers:  Scott Karl (Brewers, Rockies), Chuck Crim (Brewers--they love Hawai'i) and former Cub Mike Morgan all starred at the University of Hawai'i before turning pro.

Current University of Hawai'i player Steven Wright was drafted by the San Diego Padres but decided to attend UH anyway.  He was recently named the WAC Pitcher of the Year.  I'm keeping a close eye on this guy.

Former Astro Chris Truby attended school while living in Hawai'i as a child.

One of our potential problem solvers a few years back decided to turn pro instead of attending the University of Hawai'i.  You may have heard of him.  C.C. Sabathia.  Ouch.  We could've used that guy.

And last but not least, a current slugger with a pretty big name played for the Hawai'i Islanders, who used to be a Triple A affiliate in Honolulu until folding when I was a child.  His name is Barry Bonds.

So next time someone tells you about a team you don't know about or a player you've never heard of, I don't expect you to do backflips, but I don't think it's too much to ask for you to simply listen.  I know you don't hear about it much, but there's a lot of exciting competition going on in my home state year round, and I have a feeling that very soon, you will become all to familiar with it.  The next 5-10 years are going to be an exciting time for University of Hawai'i athletics.  Just watch.  Or listen.

*That's how many RBI's Albert Pujols is at as I type.  The guy is phenomenal.  There's not much to say about him that hasn't already been said, so I won't say much.  Just don't take this guy for granted.  He might not break any single season records this year, (though I think he has a chance) but it doesn't matter, because he is slowly building a legacy the type of which we have only seen a handful of times in our lives. 

While Barry was finally passing the Babe, Albert was adding to his own resume with another homer and 3 RBI"s and simultaneously making Jake Peavy look more like Jake Westbrook.  (I know there are other Jake's out there, but the only other one I could think of right now was Jake "the Snake" Roberts.)

This guy may just be Tiger Woods in cleats.  He may be Michael Jordan (or soon Lebron James) in a different red uniform.  He may be Ali.  Armstrong.  And someday Albert may pass Aaron.  What an "A"-plus performance.  Don't worry about overhyping his performance.  You can't sleep on a guy this special.  Oh, and don't forget about that one guy on the Yankees.  A-Rod may even be better.  Stay tuned.  The season isn't over quite yet.

It was a real pleasure to be welcomed by the main blog here shortly after posting my first blog, and I let the 2 comments I received go a little to my head.  I thought I was on my way to writing for a living.  Then on post number 2 I got nothing.  Zero, zip, Hensley Meulens.  No.  Make that Brien Taylor. 

I think a contributing factor may have been posting at 3 in the morning.  Bad move.  Possibly of "Chris Reitsma named Braves closer" proportIons.  So now I'm trying it at 5 am.  Although it's a holiday.  We'll see.  I will tell you that I posted entry number 2 ("What's in a Name") on my my space blog for a chuckle, and got some amazing feedback and even showed up on the top 10 my space sports blogs.  That's a lot bigger deal than it sounds like.  Or maybe I'm just trying to tell myself it is.  I just want to be read.... is that so wrong?

An even bigger mistake--let's say, "I'll trade you this Kazmir feller for Victor Zambrano....he's got the same last name as Carlos....he must be pretty good"--I made is forgetting to request today off. 

Watching Memorial Day baseball games in the comfort of my home while cooking burgers, hot dogs and countless unhealthy food products that do not contain the color green anywhere near the vicinity of the grill or plate, and falling in and out of consciousness, is one of my highlights of the year.  Sad as it may be, Mr. Hetfield, it's true.  I guess I'm a simple kind of fan.

I'll never forget the Memorial Day that followed 9/11.  I was home watching an ESPN infinity-header, and during the first game they had a beautiful ceremony, during which they played Ray Charles' version of "America the Beautiful" while a multitude of patriotic images and festivities were flashed on the screen, leading me to weep more than I do when watching Rudy or David Hasselhoff watching American Idol, or his career going down the toilet.  Take your pick.

And now, for something completely indifferent?  Some thoughts that entered my dome during the last few days of baseball watching:

Does anyone else think it's unfair that the White Sox have Jim Thome and Paul Konerko?  Something has to be done about this.  And why did Frank Thomas think he had a chance to stay there???

Now that Kevin Mench has the correct footwear, what excuse will he use the next time his average plummets below .280?  I enjoy the guy, but he's always been a streaky player.  I'm actually slowly starting to realize that 92 percent of players out there are streaky.  Did you ever believe that he caught fire because he switched from Payless to Famous Footwear?  My left foot.

The poor Cubs scored 12 runs yesterday and still figured out a way to lose.  What more can I say?  It's just sad.  Poor Dusty Baker might lose his job over this and Derrek Lee must have a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach knowing that he can do nothing to stop the bleeding right now.

What's the deal with the Yankees losing one game to the Royals and only winning by one in yesterday's game?  If you're going to make a statement, you might want to start by beating the worst team in history (that's right, I said it) by a margin of about 23-2.  Do you think George Steinbrenner has something against quality pitchers?  He still has a little dough left.  Get somebody now.  The Mets aren't exactly picking up any aces, but at least they're doing something.

Why does Jeff Francis pitch better on the road than he does in Colorado?  It just drives me battier than Ozzy.  Just when I think this guy may be on his way to becoming the missing link the Rockies have been searching for for years, he stumbles.  It's fine that you found a couple guys that can win some games in Coors, but now you need consistency across the board.  And what happened to Chin-hui Tsao?  Wasn't he supposed to be the second coming or something?

Rodrigo Lopez was caught eating a cup on camera the other night, as seen on Sports Center.  No....not that kind of cup, you sicko.

And last, but not least ridiculous, Chad Tracy found a way to strike out 4 times the other night.  Against Eric Milton.  Eric Milton!!!  This guy has been known as a strike out pitcher at times during his career, but he is no longer a future prospect, is having trouble keeping his ERA higher than Mark Grace's, and Chad Tracy is not that guy.  What's with Tracy anyway?  He puts together good numbers, but I keep waiting for him to be great.  I have this feeling it's really close to happening, but he lacks enough consistency to be worthy of anything other than questions right now. 

Is he Mark Grace?  Lyle Overbay?  Is he better than them?  Is he Wade Boggs?  Hmmm... there's an interesting idea.  Best red-headed players of all-time.  There's a list Tracy has a great chance at making.  But the rest of the Diamondbacks fans and I are wondering when you're going to finally reach your potential, not to mention some all-star games.  More importantly, your next duty is to make me look good. 

See, a few weeks ago, before my call-up to the big league of blogs, I picked the Diamondbacks to win the West.  I'm sticking with them.  They're a magical team.  There's something about them.  And Tracy.  And Byrnes.  Estrada.  Webb.  They have grinders.  They have winners.  They have hunger.  Now can they put everything together at the right time and win some big games?  That's why they play, and that's why we all have something to talk/type about.

Being a pretty serious baseball fan, there is rarely a name in a box score that I don't recognize, but every once in awhile, a certain one will catch my eye.

I noticed that in tomorrow's Braves-Cubs game, John Smoltz will be facing off against a gentleman by the name of Ryu.  I don't know about you, but as a video game fan, I hope a Street Fight doesn't break out here.  Ryan Dempster didn't look too sharp the other day.  Maybe they could sign Blanka as their new closer.   He's got quite the finishing move.  I mean pitch.

Anyway, I was thinking that for a casual baseball fan, viewing the very rosters here on mlb.com may be rather confusing to you if you're not as familiar with the names as I am.  (Believe me, I'm not proud of how much I know.  It's quite sad, really.)

Those who aren't die-hard fans won't know that Todd deserves a cup of Coffey as the Reds' closer.  And personally, I think you're a Putz if you think Eddie Guardado should reclaim the closers role for the Mariners.  And Todd Jones is doing just fine in Detroit, but what about Rodney?  He gets no respect I tell ya.  No respect....

Do all of these next players stay in the presidential suite when they're on the road?:

Bush's approval rating has gone down in Milwaukee after a couple of bad starts in a row, Nixon is making a strong comeback in Boston, Ford is leading things off in Minnesota, Kennedy is doing just fine holding down second in both Los Angeles and Anaheim, and Johnson feels right at home at first in Washington.  It's only natural.

How does Ozzie Guillen find time to be the shortstop in Detroit while being the manager in Chicago?  And what the heck is Rey Ordonez doing batting cleanup for the Tigers?

Look at all the two-sport stars currently playing in the bigs:

Jordan is back, y'all, but don't bother checking the NBA box scores, because he's now playing outfield and first base for theAtlanta Braves.  Let's hope this isn't as ugly as the last go-around.

Former Falcons running back Steve Broussard is on first for the Cleveland Indians.  Something tells me if Rafael Furcal tried to pull a Derrek Lee with old Steve-O, he'd come out on the wrong end of that collision.

Floyd Patterson has traded boxing gloves for batting gloves, as he is now manning the outfield for the Baltimore Orioles, as has former champ Chris Byrd, who is doing the same for the Washington Nationals.

Most surprisingly sweet is the return of Walter Payton who is shagging flies as a member of the Oakland Athletics.  Sweetness!!!

Does anyone know who this Ethier character who keeps showing up in the Dodgers box scores everyday is?  I don't, but I do know that he's been blowing up the spot.  Maybe we need to test Ethier for Ether.  Is Ether a banned substance?  I don't know Either.

Don't tell Keith Hernandez, but the ladies are showing up in a lot more than just the dugouts these days:

Loretta is manning second for the Red Sox, Tracy's at third with the Diamondbacks, another two-sport athlete, Picabo Street, is closing games for the A's and a couple ladies with different careers are trying their hands at baseball:  Folk-rock icon and activist Joan Baez is a stellar reliever for the Dodgers and successful newswoman Paula Zaun has been seen behind the plate on occasion for the Toronto Blue Jays.

I'd be Lyon if I said I wasn't a little biased, but the D-Backs have sure Cruz-ed their way through the first two games of their current road trip.  (awfulness intended)

And everyone said the Corey's were done....  I just saw Feldman pitching for the Rangers yesterday.  The Surreal Life indeed.

Vincent Gallo is an actor, a director and a musician, but he still finds time to do some relief work for the Houston Astros.  Unfortunately all his talents couldn't help them overcome the efforts of the mighty Pirates in yesterday's 18 inning marathon.  Mike Lamb wasn't the Gyro of the day, but he did have a great game.

Jerry Springer pitched for the 'Stros yesterday, fresh off his suspension for hitting Barry Bonds with a chair.  Any final thoughts, Barry?

The Nationals are taking things One Day At a Time, which should be pretty easy for them since Schneider is their handy-man behind the plate.

I'm all for product placement, but this is ridiculous.  I've seen the following names showing up on the backs of player's jerseys lately, and I'm getting kind of sick of the commercial overkill: 

"Pinto", "Abercrombie" (where's Fitch?), "Proctor" (where's Gamble?) and worst of all, the shortstop for Toronto in last nights Blue Jays-White Sox game had none other than "McDonald" stitched to the back of his uniform.  I also noticed that in the box score he was listed as "SS McDonald" which leads me to believe that they are subliminally trying to get us to bring back Super Sizing.  I'm not falling for your tricks.  Maybe super-sizing is still legal in Canada?

How does Aaron have the Guiel to put on that Royals uniform everyday?

I noticed M. Cabrera is a Yankee now.  How much money do they have?  I'm surprised they didn't get D. Willis in the same deal.

There is a pitcher by the name of Cassidy in the Padres bullpen.  I suppose the "SD" on his hat stands for "Sundance"?

Last night something scary happened:  2 hurlers with the last name of Nelson pitched in different games, which led me to wonder if Matthew and Gunnar are back.  Let's hope not.  If they became closers, I couldn't deal with "Love and Affection" being their entrance music.

McCarthy showed up in relief for the White Sox last night, but former Sox pitcher Scott Schoenweis finished off the game in extra innings for the Blue Jays, who said "Good Night and Good Luck" to the "Pale Hose". (Who managed only 2 runs on 14 hits.)

The Cleveland Indians have a lot of familiar names in their lineup alone:  Tom Sizemore, Robert Blake, A. Martinez, Rafael Belliard, Spike Lee and Pat Boone all appear on the IndIans' roster.

There are also a few rock n' roll stars pulling double duty in the majors:

Nuno Betancourt is playing short for the M's, Wang chung is a big part of the pitching staff for the Yankees, Kenny Rogers is still roasting batters in Detroit, Jerry Garcia keeps on truckin' for the White Sox and J. Lo was at DH for the Orioles yesterday.

And finally, I know we're supposed to be upholding the separation of church and home plate, but I have to note that Cain was able to string together two heavenly performances in his last two starts for the Giants.

1.  MUCH NEEDED COMIC RELIEF: 
I could breathe some new life into the dreadful souls that are rotting away in that infamous prison known as the Royals' clubhouse by simply being myself.  I would constantly be telling jokes, quoting movies and t.v. shows, singing awesomely awful tunes, and I could give each player a wacky nickname.  Don't get me wrong, I can be serious too, when needed.  I will make each player feel thankful and proud of the fact that they are getting paid to do something they love to do, and will be a shoulder to cry on when Angel Berroa figures out a way to strike out seven times in one inning without the Royals scoring any runs.

2.  PUBLICITY:
There's nothing the Royals could use more (besides Albert Pujols, Johan Santana and $100 million in free payroll money) than some positive publicity, and they're not going to get it any other way, especially not by being themselves.  Right now they are a laughing stock, but I could turn that all around by pitching one inning every few days and by providing some great soundbites during postgame interviews.  You won't hear any Scott Elarton-esque negativity from me.  I'm going to be all about turning the spirits and the luck of K.C. and the Sunshine Boys around.  I'm not going to let them lay down and boogie while their dreams slowly die.  I'm gonna play some funky music in the clubhouse and cheer these sad sacks up.  You too, Scotty. 

3.  DEFAULT: 
They're running out of options anyway.  Ambiorix Burgos is slowly going the way of the buffalo, and may soon be playing in Buffalo if he's not careful.  Elmer Dessens lasted 2 days, which shouldn't be that much of a surprise with his (chubby) checkered history as a major league pitcher.  And if Mike MacDougal is the future of the Royals, then they might be in more trouble than we thought.  I wouldn't be much worse than any options they have.  They're not winning any games as it is, and their season is all but over, so who would they be hurting by placing me in the closer's role? 

4.  MY SECRET PAST:
When I played in the Kainalu Little League in Kailua, Hawaii as a pre-teen, I was on the verge of becoming a quality starting pitcher, but one day as I was warming up, the pre-game jitters took over, and I could not find the strike zone, so I was scratched.  I never would start a game that year or ever again.  But a few weeks later, my Kainalu Dodgers were taking a beating at the hands of the Sox, so my manager Pappy Miles (great name, huh?) sent me to the bullpen (which was actually a patch of grass on some dirt next to the water fountain behind the dugout) to warm up.  When it became more out of control than a .... well.... a Royals game, Pappy called me out to the mound.  Even though our team was getting beaten worse than Rob Van Winkle at the Source Awards, I was pretty excited to get my big chance, and I responded by striking out the side.  Of course I also gave up a grand slam, but all of the runs I gave up were unearned thanks to our centerfielder Wade Sullivan.  The grand slam was actually a deep fly to centerfield that Wade tried to catch, but the ball bounced off his glove and over the fence.  Thanks, buddy boy.  But that doesn't take away from my flashes of brilliance.  I struck out the side, baby.  No one can take that away from me.  It's up to the Royals to resurrect my stellar career.

5.  MY FIRST SAVE:
Imagine the coverage they'd receive when this husky weirdo that no one has ever heard of took the mound for the first time, and when I pick up my first save (which I guarantee I would do eventually), it would be a great jolt of hope and enthusiasm for the city, the team and for every sports fan out there who's ever dreamed of being a professional athlete.  Plus it would make for a great movie in a few years.  (starring Jack Black as yours truly)

6.  I'M A NICE GUY:
I deserve a shot like this as much as any other nice guy out there who cares about the game of baseball as much as I do.  After all the good things I've done for people throughout my life and all the free time I've given to the game, it's time for someone to give me a chance.  It's not much of a risk really, seems how the Royals have less victories than the Ethiopian bobsled team.

7.  MY OWN PERSONNEL TOUCH:
If needed, I could also help with player management, scouting and countless other behind the scenes issues.  I could probably do a better job running that team than the current general manager.  (not to mention Isiah Thomas and Matt Millen)  And I would do it for fun.  All I would need is my closer's salary.  I would throw in my superb baseball expertise for free....

8.  MONEYBALL:
I won't ask for much money.  You'll be saving a lot by switching your 9th inning insurance coverage to me.  All I need is about $150,000 a year.  That's it.  You can sign me up for incentive laden deals if you want, such as another $25,000 for every 5 saves, or something like that, but it's not necessary.  I'd be happy with my flat rate.  And you'll never hear me complaining to the media about money, or anything else for that matter.

9.  BEST ENTRANCE MUSIC EVER:
For those of you who don't know, the real name is Jonathan Medina, which would allow me to finally use that stupid Tone Loc song to my advantage.  That's right.  I'll be entering each game to the sounds of "Funky Cold Medina".  And although I'd prefer to wear number 44, I'd settle for 9 to go along with the aphrodisiac theme, so the announcers could refer to me as "Love Potion No. 9". 

10.  WADE BLOGGS:
I could keep a running journal of all the happenings and hi-jinx going on in the clubhouse, dugout, bullpen, team flights and dinners, and eventually parlay it into a weekly ESPN series.  I will make the Royals important again and stop all the whispering and giggling going on behind their backs.  (not to mention all those wedgies and swirlies.  Poor Mike Sweeney's injury problems cannot be helped by things of this nature.  What the heck is he still doing in Kansas City anyway?)

So, owner(s) of said ballclub:  I expect to hear from you soon and for you to put your offer on the table.  I'll be patiently waiting, but can only wait for so long.  There should be an opening at point guard for the New York Knickerbockers real soon.  Thank you.