10 Reasons I should be the Royals’ next closer:
1. MUCH NEEDED COMIC RELIEF:
I could breathe some new life into the dreadful souls that are rotting away in that infamous prison known as the Royals’ clubhouse by simply being myself. I would constantly be telling jokes, quoting movies and t.v. shows, singing awesomely awful tunes, and I could give each player a wacky nickname. Don’t get me wrong, I can be serious too, when needed. I will make each player feel thankful and proud of the fact that they are getting paid to do something they love to do, and will be a shoulder to cry on when Angel Berroa figures out a way to strike out seven times in one inning without the Royals scoring any runs.
There’s nothing the Royals could use more (besides Albert Pujols, Johan Santana and $100 million in free payroll money) than some positive publicity, and they’re not going to get it any other way, especially not by being themselves. Right now they are a laughing stock, but I could turn that all around by pitching one inning every few days and by providing some great soundbites during postgame interviews. You won’t hear any Scott Elarton-esque negativity from me. I’m going to be all about turning the spirits and the luck of K.C. and the Sunshine Boys around. I’m not going to let them lay down and boogie while their dreams slowly die. I’m gonna play some funky music in the clubhouse and cheer these sad sacks up. You too, Scotty.
They’re running out of options anyway. Ambiorix Burgos is slowly going the way of the buffalo, and may soon be playing in Buffalo if he’s not careful. Elmer Dessens lasted 2 days, which shouldn’t be that much of a surprise with his (chubby) checkered history as a major league pitcher. And if Mike MacDougal is the future of the Royals, then they might be in more trouble than we thought. I wouldn’t be much worse than any options they have. They’re not winning any games as it is, and their season is all but over, so who would they be hurting by placing me in the closer’s role?
4. MY SECRET PAST:
When I played in the Kainalu Little League in Kailua, Hawaii as a pre-teen, I was on the verge of becoming a quality starting pitcher, but one day as I was warming up, the pre-game jitters took over, and I could not find the strike zone, so I was scratched. I never would start a game that year or ever again. But a few weeks later, my Kainalu Dodgers were taking a beating at the hands of the Sox, so my manager Pappy Miles (great name, huh?) sent me to the bullpen (which was actually a patch of grass on some dirt next to the water fountain behind the dugout) to warm up. When it became more out of control than a …. well…. a Royals game, Pappy called me out to the mound. Even though our team was getting beaten worse than Rob Van Winkle at the Source Awards, I was pretty excited to get my big chance, and I responded by striking out the side. Of course I also gave up a grand slam, but all of the runs I gave up were unearned thanks to our centerfielder Wade Sullivan. The grand slam was actually a deep fly to centerfield that Wade tried to catch, but the ball bounced off his glove and over the fence. Thanks, buddy boy. But that doesn’t take away from my flashes of brilliance. I struck out the side, baby. No one can take that away from me. It’s up to the Royals to resurrect my stellar career.
5. MY FIRST SAVE:
Imagine the coverage they’d receive when this husky weirdo that no one has ever heard of took the mound for the first time, and when I pick up my first save (which I guarantee I would do eventually), it would be a great jolt of hope and enthusiasm for the city, the team and for every sports fan out there who’s ever dreamed of being a professional athlete. Plus it would make for a great movie in a few years. (starring Jack Black as yours truly)
6. I’M A NICE GUY:
I deserve a shot like this as much as any other nice guy out there who cares about the game of baseball as much as I do. After all the good things I’ve done for people throughout my life and all the free time I’ve given to the game, it’s time for someone to give me a chance. It’s not much of a risk really, seems how the Royals have less victories than the Ethiopian bobsled team.
7. MY OWN PERSONNEL TOUCH:
If needed, I could also help with player management, scouting and countless other behind the scenes issues. I could probably do a better job running that team than the current general manager. (not to mention Isiah Thomas and Matt Millen) And I would do it for fun. All I would need is my closer’s salary. I would throw in my superb baseball expertise for free….
I won’t ask for much money. You’ll be saving a lot by switching your 9th inning insurance coverage to me. All I need is about $150,000 a year. That’s it. You can sign me up for incentive laden deals if you want, such as another $25,000 for every 5 saves, or something like that, but it’s not necessary. I’d be happy with my flat rate. And you’ll never hear me complaining to the media about money, or anything else for that matter.
9. BEST ENTRANCE MUSIC EVER:
For those of you who don’t know, the real name is Jonathan Medina, which would allow me to finally use that stupid Tone Loc song to my advantage. That’s right. I’ll be entering each game to the sounds of "Funky Cold Medina". And although I’d prefer to wear number 44, I’d settle for 9 to go along with the aphrodisiac theme, so the announcers could refer to me as "Love Potion No. 9".
10. WADE BLOGGS:
I could keep a running journal of all the happenings and hi-jinx going on in the clubhouse, dugout, bullpen, team flights and dinners, and eventually parlay it into a weekly ESPN series. I will make the Royals important again and stop all the whispering and giggling going on behind their backs. (not to mention all those wedgies and swirlies. Poor Mike Sweeney’s injury problems cannot be helped by things of this nature. What the heck is he still doing in Kansas City anyway?)
So, owner(s) of said ballclub: I expect to hear from you soon and for you to put your offer on the table. I’ll be patiently waiting, but can only wait for so long. There should be an opening at point guard for the New York Knickerbockers real soon. Thank you.